Who am I?

For so long I have struggled with this question in some form or another. If I'm not Carols daughter, who am I? If I'm not a youth leader, who am I? If I'm not a wife, mom, daughter, friend, small business owner, who am I? And then I started to recognize the anxiety in my life, it became more and more a part of who I was. It was a stop light that blinked so brightly that I couldn't disobey. Though some times I'd slowly inch way way through, and feel proud of crossing the street despite the nagging feeling that something somewhere was wrong.

It became my soul identity, Anxiety was (and sometimes still is) a constant companion. Even in a room full of family, or sitting peacefully with my best friend thoughts and fears surrounded me, what if they don't REALLY like me? what if they are just treating me this way because I'm their daughter, sister, aunt, friend? You could tell me straight to my face you loved me, and I'd struggle to believe it because of the constant what if? inside my head. And then something happened. I talked to my doctor, got on some medication, and started therapy, and the anxiety lessened. It still creeps around, staring at me from dark corners, but it's not that constant monster sitting on my chest, and then one day while talking casually with my pastor, I spoke of my anxiety as my identity. An answer as to why I couldn't do something, and he smiled gently and said "you're talking to me right now and you seem ok..."- at first I was offended. How dare he say I wasn't feeling anxiety at that moment. But you know, the more I thought about it, He was right. While I may have felt a little nervous in the moment, It wasn't anxiety. 

So now I'm in a space where now that anxiety isn't that big monster that accompanied me in all I did, and it's no longer part of my identity. I always thought that if I didn't have this anxiety, I'd feel freer, and in a lot of ways I do. But I'm in this weird quiet space in-between. For so long anxiety was how I introduced myself, It shaped who I was, and the choices I made. Every choice and word had to pass through this filter of fear. But now that it's not running the show, I'm sitting here asking Who am I? But this time instead of trying to figure it all out myself, I went to God. I'm allowing him to show me who I am, to unveil who he created me to be without the darkened lenses. 

The truth is, I never WAS my anxiety. It wasn't my identity, it wasn't who God created me to be. But time and time again, I spoke it over myself, the more I claimed it as who I was, the more power it had over me, because after all in my mind, this was me!! Now I'm asking Jesus to help me see the way HE sees me, the way He's ALWAYS seen me. Not as broken, not as TOO MUCH, not as the girl who struggled - but as the daughter that is so deeply loved.

My identity  isn't in what I've battled,

it's in the one who stood my side in battle.

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